Ladies! Read this article to learn how you, too, can get a boyfriend or husband that looks almost exactly like a famous Hollywood Superstar Actor!

Welcome, ladies, once again to another episode of the Gaijin Gourmet ®.

Recently, here at the Ippin offices, we have been getting lots of complaints from readers that the Gaijin Gourmet ® columns do not talk enough about delicious food and drinks but is always just looking for a easy and cheap laugh out of the reader.

Due to the vast number of written complaints from you, dear reader, we have decided that we are going to make sure that the Gaijin Gourmet ® columns are always useful to you Beautiful Japanese Ladies ® by starting absolutely FREE English lessons just for you!

In this absolutely FREE English lesson course, you’ll learn useful phrases such as:

• “Good evening. Thank you for inviting me to the Queen of England’s Royal party.”

• “Yes. That is my Bentley car parked out front. Are you the new driver?”

• “Oh, no… You must have me mistaken for someone else. I’m not a famous actress… yet!”

• I have ‘Beer Goggles!’”

What? You have never heard the term, ‘Beer Goggles’? Really?

Oh, my dear ladies! You need to know this term! It is very important and a widely used term all over English speaking countries. Everyone in the west uses the term ‘Beer Goggles!’

Dictionary:

Beer (noun) \ˈbir\ : an alcoholic drink made from malt and flavored with hops.

Goggles (noun) plural gog·gles \ˈgä-gəlz\ : special eyeglasses that are worn to protect your eyes.

We say, ‘Beer Goggles’ but it doesn’t only happen with beer drinking, any alcohol will do; beer, bourbon, sho-chu, sake, wine, Happo-shu… You name it; if you drink enough of ANY liquor, you will get ‘Beer Goggles.’

What is ‘Beer Goggles’?

‘Beer Goggles’ means that as you drink and drink and drink some more, the world and other people become more beautiful and handsome… They really do! Really!

‘Beer Goggles’ is usually a term associated with men drinking too much. But, in this modern day and age, we cannot have sex discrimination! No! No! No! I say, “’Beer Goggles’ for women too!” Power to the people!

Science has proven that ‘Beer Goggles’ is a true phenomenon. Here, please look at this chart:

(Chart showing effect of “Beer Goggles.” Top left to bottom right: What an old, balding guy looks like after 1 glass of wine. Then what he looks like after three glasses of wine. One bottle of wine? OK, maybe he is slightly acceptable to take home to mother (as long as he gets paid a lot!) Bottom right? Wow! See what the exact same balding old man looks like after only three bottles of wine!)

With this chart you can see that it is true; the more you drink, the better everything in the world looks! See? Just look at how handsome several bottles of wine make that old balding man look! Wow!

Now all you wonderful ladies can see how you, too, can get a boyfriend or a husband that looks almost exactly like handsome Hollywood superstar, Brad Pitt!

Hooray!

But there is one drawback to this ‘Beer Goggle’ (Handsome young boyfriend) plan: you’ll have to be drinking at least 3 bottles of wine a day, everyday! But it’s worth it if your boyfriend or husband looks like Brad Pitt, isn’t it?

But it can get expensive, though… Unless you know the best, most delicious drinks for the cheapest price! What I mean to say is that you can drink three bottles of wine a day, everyday as long as your wine has excellent cost performance; delicious and inexpensive.

And that’s the area where the Gaijin Gourmet ® is the top leading イケメン外人® expert for cost performance in all of Asia! No! Japan! No! Tokyo! Minami Kita-Senju! (a small Tokyo neighborhood!)

Yes!

And that’s why today I am recommending Cono Sur wine from Chile. Cono Sur is 100% completely organic wine using organic grapes and it has been given certified organic certification from the agency with the most stringent standards in the world, “Germany BCS Eco.”

Cono Sur winery is a single vineyard in Chile that has more than 100 years of experience making wine. Cono Sur Vineyards & Winery was founded in 1993, and produces premium, expressive and innovative wines – at a very affordable price. The name Cono Sur refers to the company’s geographic position, representing wines made in South America’s Southern Cone, on whose western edge lies the nation of Chile and its superb wine valleys. The logo for Cono Sur is a hand-drawn bicycle, so it’s easy to recognize.

The Cono Sur winery is original and the fertile land it sits upon was a riverbed long ago. The climate is mild and so the wines are very robust and full of fruit, which makes Cono Sur wines all have quite elegant taste.

Actually, I was first introduced to Cono Sur wines by my multi-millionaire friend who told me, “You don’t have to spend a lot of money to get some great wines… Especially from Chile!” He told me about Cono Sur wines.

And you ladies can find it and will be quite pleased at the incredibly reasonable price and great taste… It’s the next best thing to actually drinking wine and romancing with the real Fukuyama Masaharu!

You ladies can thank me later.

As promised, here is another segment of the Gaijin Gourmet where you can find a delicious healthy meal in the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $3 (USD)… Under $5 USD even if you are a big eater!

Today, I’d like to introduce Yoshi Soba. Yoshi Soba was founded in 1972 and has 14 shops in Tokyo. You can see their webpage here: http://www.yoshisoba.jp/

I have been a customer at Yoshi Soba for more than 3 decades. Really. Today, I went to the shop near Kita Sando Station today to try out the victuals and was very pleased, actually, as I didn’t expect much.

Why didn’t I expect much? Well, I had only ever been to the Yoshi Soba at Akasaka. It is just OK. The one near Kita Sando (Yoyogi shop) was very good. (Be careful! There are two Yoshi Soba shops at Yoyogi; one is right in front of the station. Today’s featured shop is nearby Kita Sando station and Meiji Dori).

“What’s the deal, here?” I thought. I asked the shop worker and he told me that at all Yoshi Soba shops, they use the same soup broth, but the noodles are different; some shops use pre-boiled noodles, some use fresh frozen noodles. The shop at Kita Sando uses fresh frozen noodles. The difference in taste & quality between the pre-boiled and the fresh frozen is huge.

I cannot really recommend the pre-boiled noodles shops. I can recommend the fresh frozen noodle shops.

So, what I am trying to say is that, in my experience, Yoshi Soba can be a real “Hit” or “Miss” proposition; I don’t like the pre-boiled noodles at all; the fresh frozen noodles are excellent. But I consider myself a real soba connoisseur (polite laughter here, please), so I’m picky.

Seriously.

But it’s not all bad news; one GREAT thing about Yoshi Soba is that the extra-large portions of noodles are no charge! That’s right! Whereas most shops will charge you anywhere between ¥30 (about $0.25 cents USD) to ¥100 (about $0.80 cents USD) for the extra large serving, Yoshi Soba will give it to you at no extra charge and all you have to do is say, “Omori! Please!” (Yes, “please” in English will be understood.)

Got that? “Oh-mori!” (please or “kudasai”! It’s that simple!)

So that, my friends, is Yoshi Soba’s best sales point; large sizes at no extra cost!

The wax food display is available at all Yoshi Soba shops. Find what you want and buy at the ticket machines. Many Yoshi Soba shops are right by the stations so some of them have a very short menu list.

The Yoshi Soba near Kita Sando station is large and so it has a large menu. If you want to see the standard menu for all Yoshi Soba shops, it is here on their webpage: Yoshi Soba Menu – http://www.yoshisoba.jp/menu/

The ubiquitous Soba/Japanese fast food shop has a ticket machine…. (Japanese fast food. like standing sob shops, are quite healthy!) As usual, if you see something at the outside display you fancy, but can’t find it on the ticket machine, just ask the shop attendant… If it is not rush hour, this is Japan so service is excellent everywhere; the staff will gladly help you. Just ask!

This Yoshi Soba, near Kita Sando station, has been there for at least 17 or 18 years now. Nevertheless, a Gaijin Gourmet top requirement is a clean kitchen. Yep. They have that. Top score for cleanliness!

This particular shop has plenty of room. We sat at the seats near the front window (not pictured) so we could watch the girls all go by! Oh, by the way, this shop is 3 minutes walk from Yoyogi Park on the Yoyogi station side. Walk to Meiji Dori… (There is another Yoshi Soba right in front of Yoyogi station… But it is so small, I suspect they might be serving the pre-boiled noodles… Not sure about that!)

The usual for me: a large sized plate of cold soba noodles. Damages? This costs ¥300 (about $2.50 USD)… ALWAYS ask for the free large portions. Just say, “Omori!” Oh, and the fried veggies and other toppings looked really good too.

Yoshi Soba? At a shop that serves the fresh frozen noodles? 4 Stars…  At a shop that sells the pre-boiled noodles? 2.5 Stars. So, you can see, it is really “Hit” or “Miss.” Find a shop that serves the fresh frozen noodles!

———————————–

Looking for a delicious healthy meal in Tokyo, the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $5 (USD)? Here’s a bunch of them linked below!

Gaijin Gourmet – Delicious, Healthy Meal in Tokyo for Under $3 (USD) – Komoro Soba! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-delicious-healthy-meal-in-tokyo-for-under-3-usd-komoro-soba/

Gaijin Gourmet – Fuji Soba Tokyo’s Top 3 Soba Chain Restaurants robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-fuji-soba-tokyos-top-3-soba-chain-restaurants/

Gaijin Gourmet: 「モンスターMOGULLA！東京の地下からこんにちは」 robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-「モンスターmogulla！東京の地下からこんにちは/

マイク・ロジャース!「ザ・外人グルメ」！のぐるなび ippin(イッピン)の新しい記事がアップされました！robot55.jp/blog/マイク・ロジャース「ザ・外人グルメ」！のぐる/

Gaijin Gourmet! The Best, Most Delicious Soba Restaurant in Shibuya and Shinjuku robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-the-best-most-delicious-soba-restaurant-in-shibuya-and-shinjuku/

Gaijin Gourmet – Hamazushi! Tokyo’s Best Robot Sushi! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-hamazushi-tokyos-best-robot-sushi/

Gaijin Gourmet – Sukiya! Japan’s Best Gyudon (Beef Bowl) robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-sukiya-japans-best-gyudon-beef-bowl/

Gaijin Gourmet Advice for Foreign Gentlemen Living in Japan!
http://robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-advice-for-foreign-gentlemen-living-in-japan/

Gaijin Gourmet – Best Soba Chain in Tokyo？Yude Taro and ¥220 Draft Beer?! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-best-soba-chain-in-tokyo？yude-taro-and-¥220-draft-beer/

Gaijin Gourmet: The Best Premium Salad Bar in Tokyo? – Sizzler in Setagaya robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-the-best-premium-salad-bar-in-tokyo-sizzler-in-setagaya/

Gaijin Gourmet! Great Cheap and Delicious Soba in Gaienmae on Ginza Line! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-great-cheap-and-delicious-soba-in-gaienmae-on-ginza-line/

The Gaijin Gourmet: The Best Salad Bar Deal in Tokyo at Big Boy – My Favorite Rock N Roll Diner!! robot55.jp/blog/the-gaijin-gourmet-the-best-salad-bar-deal-in-tokyo-at-big-boy-my-favorite-rock-n-roll-diner/

Tokyo’s Best Cheap Sushi is in Okachimachi!? 東京の一番安くて美味しい寿司屋？御徒町にあるの？ http://robot55.jp/blog/tokyos-best-cheap-sushi-in-okachimachi/

The Gaijin Gourmet: Soba Wars At Hanzomon Station in Tokyo robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-soba-wars-at-hanzomon-station-in-tokyo/

Once again, here is another segment of the Gaijin Gourmet where you can find a delicious healthy meal in the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $3 (USD)!

Maybe I should write that again! Here is another segment of the Gaijin Gourmet where you can find a delicious healthy meal in the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $3 (USD)!

The parent company of Komoro Soba, Mitsuwa, was founded in 1953. It was a food supermarkets and food service business. They expanded into the noodle business and opened the first Komoro Soba in 1974. As of 2011, their Wikipedia page says they have 82 stores in the Tokyo area (but they just opened a brand new shop in Yoyogi – where today’s featured restaurant and photos are from) so they have to have at least 83!

Komoro Soba’s good points are (besides being the least expensive); the Soba (Buckwheat) noodles are boiled fresh. They also have Udon noodles in Kansai style. Like many chain restaurants, the soup broth is different from shop to shop. The fried toppings that you can order (for about ¥120 ~ ¥100 each (about $1 USD)) are fried in each shop so you know you are getting fresh condiments.

I think the best thing about Komoro Soba is that the condiments to add to your food, Leek onions, Ume Boshi (pickled plums) and wasabi (Horse radish) are all at the dining area so the customer can serve themselves. I always load up on the Leek onions!

Komoro soba also has take out and sells raw noodles to take home too. Business hours vary from shop to shop.

At many stations in and around Tokyo, you can find several competing chains all within eyesight of each other!  Please refer to: Soba Wars! (http://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.jp/2012/08/gaijin-gourmet-soba-wars-at-hanzomon.html)

Menu showcase outside of the new Komoro Soba at Yoyogi station 20 seconds from the East Exit.

This is the jaw dropper. A regular sized plate of fresh boiled cold noodle is only ¥230! (That’s about $1.91 USD!) This serving portion is very small for me, so I add on the “extra noodles” for a shockingly cheap extra ¥30! (about $0.25 cents USD!)

At every Komoro Soba shop I’ve ever been to, they have the meal ticket vending machine. As usual, if you can’t read the kanji, then order something that has a photo (those are usually the most popular meals anyway)… Or ask a shop worker to come outside and you point to the dish you want at the display of food shown above!

My friend Ken and I went to partake in Komoro Soba’s food and we were both quite pleased. Like I said, the price is amazing… I don’t think it is as delicious as Yude Taro or Shinshu Soba, but for quality and price performance, it might be the best. This particular Komoro Soba has just opened, so, of course it is spic and span clean. My friend, Ken, mentioned to me, though, that one thing that is consistent with all these chains Soba shops: They are all extremely clean!

Komoro Soba offers all sorts of delicious tenpura toppings. All tenpura is fried fresh at each shop.

Most shops have seating and standing areas for customers. Komoro Soba shops are all located very close to the station so they get packed between 11:30 am until about 1:30, so if you want to sit, avoid rush hours!

Above is the Mori Soba, “Omori” (large size). This is what I always eat at every shop. It is the only way to compare these shops – apples to apples. Each soba chain restaurant shop has it’s own specialties, so if I delve into that, it would be very difficult to say which is better than the other. This is the most basic and healthy dish: cold buckwheat noodles. This large size meal is ¥260 (that’s about $2.16 USD!)

Unbelievably good deal. The similar dish at Yude Taro is ¥360 (about $3 USD). At Fuji Soba, this item is ¥420 (about $3.50 USD)… But at those two chains I get the impression that the portions are larger.

I live here and it blows my mind that I can have a delicious, healthy meal of soba for less than $2.50 (USD)! And, of course, Japanese world class service, quality and cleanliness and NO TIPPING!

Komoro Soba? 4 Stars for taste. 5 Stars + for cost performance.

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Looking for a delicious healthy meal in Tokyo, the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $5 (USD)? Here’s a bunch of them linked below!

Gaijin Gourmet – Fuji Soba Tokyo’s Top 3 Soba Chain Restaurants robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-fuji-soba-tokyos-top-3-soba-chain-restaurants/

Gaijin Gourmet: 「モンスターMOGULLA！東京の地下からこんにちは」 robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-「モンスターmogulla！東京の地下からこんにちは/

マイク・ロジャース!「ザ・外人グルメ」！のぐるなび ippin(イッピン)の新しい記事がアップされました！robot55.jp/blog/マイク・ロジャース「ザ・外人グルメ」！のぐる/

Gaijin Gourmet! The Best, Most Delicious Soba Restaurant in Shibuya and Shinjuku robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-the-best-most-delicious-soba-restaurant-in-shibuya-and-shinjuku/

Gaijin Gourmet – Hamazushi! Tokyo’s Best Robot Sushi! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-hamazushi-tokyos-best-robot-sushi/

Gaijin Gourmet – Sukiya! Japan’s Best Gyudon (Beef Bowl) robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-sukiya-japans-best-gyudon-beef-bowl/

Gaijin Gourmet Advice for Foreign Gentlemen Living in Japan!
http://robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-advice-for-foreign-gentlemen-living-in-japan/

Gaijin Gourmet – Best Soba Chain in Tokyo？Yude Taro and ¥220 Draft Beer?! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-best-soba-chain-in-tokyo？yude-taro-and-¥220-draft-beer/

Gaijin Gourmet: The Best Premium Salad Bar in Tokyo? – Sizzler in Setagaya robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-the-best-premium-salad-bar-in-tokyo-sizzler-in-setagaya/

Gaijin Gourmet! Great Cheap and Delicious Soba in Gaienmae on Ginza Line! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-great-cheap-and-delicious-soba-in-gaienmae-on-ginza-line/

The Gaijin Gourmet: The Best Salad Bar Deal in Tokyo at Big Boy – My Favorite Rock N Roll Diner!! robot55.jp/blog/the-gaijin-gourmet-the-best-salad-bar-deal-in-tokyo-at-big-boy-my-favorite-rock-n-roll-diner/

Tokyo’s Best Cheap Sushi is in Okachimachi!? 東京の一番安くて美味しい寿司屋？御徒町にあるの？ http://robot55.jp/blog/tokyos-best-cheap-sushi-in-okachimachi/

The Gaijin Gourmet: Soba Wars At Hanzomon Station in Tokyo robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-soba-wars-at-hanzomon-station-in-tokyo/

Once again, here is another segment of the Gaijin Gourmet where you can find a delcious healthy meal in the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $5 (USD)!

I have written below about my two most favorite soba chains in Tokyo: Shin Shu Soba and Yude Taro. But there are several chains that are much more ubiquitous in Tokyo that I must address. One of them is the 800-pound gorilla in the soba kitchen and that just has to be Fuji Soba. http://fujisoba.co.jp/

As of July of 2013, Fuji Soba has more than 100 shops in the Greater Tokyo area and also Chiba, Saitama, Kanagawa as well as some shops in the Philippines, Taiwan and Indonesia.

Fuji Soba’s sales point is that each shop makes their own soup so the taste of the soup broth varies from shop to shop and each shops uses fresh soba. Also, it is a good place (like most soba chains) to pop in and have a beer or a High-ball at a very reasonable price.

Fact of the matter is that I have been to Fuji Soba most probably more than all the other soba shops put together. For years, after my daily radio show ended, I would go there with my friend and we ate Fuji soba everyday!

I really do like it. And, while you might have a bit of a problem finding a soba chain restaurant nearby you, Fuji Soba shops are everywhere!

Like many of these sorts of shops in Japan, one must purchase a meal ticket at the entrance of the restaurant. In many cases, the ticket machine menus are NOT written in English… So, you can purchase something that does have a photo, or….

….Or you can ask one of the restaurant staff to go outside with you and you point to the item you want and then the staff will show you which ticket to purchase. Sure, sometimes, these ticket machines might seem like a hassle, but they save you money and it’s better when the people handling the food are not touching money because money isn’t very  clean and we do not want the people touching our food to be handling money!

As, usual, a clean kitchen is a must for all restaurants for the family and the Gaijin Gourmet. At all Fuji Soba shops, one can see clearly into the kitchens and the Gaijin Gourmet is confident you will see a spic and span, clean operation!

Excellent value for the price. Bowl of soba with some boiled spinach and sea weed? ¥380! (about $3.16 USD at the exchange rate as of the writing of this post). Healthy, low calorie, fills you up and cheaper than any western chain hamburger shop!

This is the standard plate of cold soba that the Gaijin Gourmet always prefers. This is the large “Toku mori soba” (¥480) (about $4 USD at the exchange rate as of the writing of this post) and a side order of boiled spinach (¥100) (about $0.80 cents).

Fuji soba is a bit more expensive than my two favorite chains, but Fuji soba has many more shops and is much more convenient because of it and also because Fuji Soba shops are always right by the train stations.

Fuji Soba is great for the entire family.

4 stars out of 5. Excellent!

NOTE: Pretty soon I am going to make a Top ranking for all these shops so stay tuned. In the meantime, I do have to be fair and introduce all of them to you. As I mentioned before in a previous post, soba shops inside of the trains stations are usually pretty bad. Sure, I say they are “pretty bad” but, folks, it’s a pretty fair statement for me to make when I say, “Any soba shop in Japan is a better deal, with a more reasonable price and MUCH more healthy for you and your family than ANY western fast food chain like McDonald’s or KFC…

No comparison.

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Looking for a delicious healthy meal in Tokyo, the world’s most expensive and crowded city for under $5 (USD)? Here’s a bunch of them linked below!

Gaijin Gourmet: 「モンスターMOGULLA！東京の地下からこんにちは」 robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-「モンスターmogulla！東京の地下からこんにちは/

マイク・ロジャース!「ザ・外人グルメ」！のぐるなび ippin(イッピン)の新しい記事がアップされました！robot55.jp/blog/マイク・ロジャース「ザ・外人グルメ」！のぐる/

Gaijin Gourmet! The Best, Most Delicious Soba Restaurant in Shibuya and Shinjuku robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-the-best-most-delicious-soba-restaurant-in-shibuya-and-shinjuku/

Gaijin Gourmet – Hamazushi! Tokyo’s Best Robot Sushi! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-hamazushi-tokyos-best-robot-sushi/

Gaijin Gourmet – Sukiya! Japan’s Best Gyudon (Beef Bowl) robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-sukiya-japans-best-gyudon-beef-bowl/

Gaijin Gourmet Advice for Foreign Gentlemen Living in Japan!
http://robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-advice-for-foreign-gentlemen-living-in-japan/

Gaijin Gourmet – Best Soba Chain in Tokyo？Yude Taro and ¥220 Draft Beer?! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-best-soba-chain-in-tokyo？yude-taro-and-¥220-draft-beer/

Gaijin Gourmet: The Best Premium Salad Bar in Tokyo? – Sizzler in Setagaya robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-the-best-premium-salad-bar-in-tokyo-sizzler-in-setagaya/

Gaijin Gourmet! Great Cheap and Delicious Soba in Gaienmae on Ginza Line! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-great-cheap-and-delicious-soba-in-gaienmae-on-ginza-line/

The Gaijin Gourmet: The Best Salad Bar Deal in Tokyo at Big Boy – My Favorite Rock N Roll Diner!! robot55.jp/blog/the-gaijin-gourmet-the-best-salad-bar-deal-in-tokyo-at-big-boy-my-favorite-rock-n-roll-diner/

Tokyo’s Best Cheap Sushi is in Okachimachi!? 東京の一番安くて美味しい寿司屋？御徒町にあるの？ http://robot55.jp/blog/tokyos-best-cheap-sushi-in-okachimachi/

The Gaijin Gourmet: Soba Wars At Hanzomon Station in Tokyo robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-soba-wars-at-hanzomon-station-in-tokyo/

(English version of this article is here: All of Japan is Under Invasion! This is War! modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.jp/2015/09/all-of-japan-is-under-invasion-this-is.html)

「SOS! SOS! SOS! 緊急事態発生！東京が何者かによって攻撃にされています！」。ノイズだらけのラジオから聞こえてくる悲痛な叫び。東京は、いまだかつてないほどに危機的状況にさらされている。 国家非常事態発生。日本の大都市東京が「やつら」に襲われています。「やつら」は、あたなのすぐそばに、あなたが立っている道路の下に、そしてあなたの家にも「やつら」がいるかもしれません。

そう！東京は今「MOGULLA（モグラ）の攻撃にさらされているのです！」

モグラはこの美しい東京の地下のいたるところにいます。それは、地下のパイプが老朽化していて穴やひびができているからです。国はそれを治そうとはしません。なぜなら全てを修復するお金がありませんからね。そう！国家でさえ、モグラの暴走を止める事ができないのです！

我々の成すすべはないのです。

ただ、僕には秘密兵器があります！美しい女性達よ！もしあなた達の家や庭でモグラ問題に直面しているのであれば、この記事はあなた方にとってお金の節約になるかもしれませんよ。なぜかって？もぐら退治に業者を呼ぶととてもお金がかかります。そして、あなたの家や庭に毒を打ち込むなんであまりいいアイデアとは思えないしね。特にお子さんやペットが暮らしている場合は。

僕が今から教えるモグラ退治の方法はとてもばかげていて、子どもじみてるけどとても簡単で安上がりなんです！

早く知りたいって？それじゃあ説明を始めよう。

ある日、僕の家から出ると道路が水浸しになっていたんだけど、よく見たら道路に穴が空いているんだよね。僕の家の向こう側だったから、その時は特に気にもとめなかった。

また別の日、家を出たら僕の家のまん前に穴が空いているんだよね！

その穴は毎日毎日大きくなって、僕の家の前の家の穴が一番でかくなってきて、これは危ない！誰か落ちちゃう！区役所に電話しないと。。。市役所の人を呼んだら、この怠惰な職員はこう言ったんだよね「ここは私道だから僕らは何もできないな。」

しかたなく、僕は水道会社、ガス会社、電気会社、そしてもちろんドミノピザに電話して、彼らを呼んだら、彼らはこう言うんだよね「これは、区役所の仕事だな。」

これを堂々巡りって言うんだよね！

そうこうするうちに、僕の家の前はまるでクレーターができたようになってきて、これはまずいと近所の人が集まって臨時集会をやる事になったんだ！こういう時は、僕は奥さんに全てを任せるよにしているんだよね。なぜかって？僕はイケメン外人（R）だから僕が何を言おうが考えようがそんな事誰も気にしてはくれないからね。

僕の奥さんも僕の話なんて聞いてくれないしね。

とにかく、近所のみんなでお金を出し合って業者に穴をふさいでもらった。とにかくこれで一安心だと思ったよ。一週間はね。一週間後、またそこらじゅうに穴が。。。

僕らは専門家を呼んで調査をしてもらう事にしたんだよね。彼は僕を見て意地悪そうな目をしながら一言こう言った「“MOGULLA! 間違えないモグラ！」

MOGULLA（もぐら）！下水道を走り回り、夜になると住民の生活を脅かす卑劣で薄汚いない害獣を止める手段はないのか？このままでは近所住民も恐怖で家の外に出れなくなってしまう。。。

まさにモンスターモグラ（R）の恐怖！

僕達は最終手段として駆除業者のエキスパートを呼んだ。エキスパートは「この辺のモグラは退治できるけど、下水管にひびが入っていたら、他の場所から来ちゃうよ。」と言った。東京の地下には、何千何万ものモグラが潜んでいるそうだ。

ぞっとする話でしょ？

この話を聞いて ご近所の女性達が恐怖で震えている。僕は彼女達を落ち着かせようと、とても落ち着いた様子で彼女達にこう言ったんだ「何も心配する事はないよレディース、僕はこの解決方法を知っているよ。リーサルウエポン（最終兵器）「デリシャスリベンジ」があるからね。」

僕は彼女達に親指を立てて、ウインクを送りその場を立ち去った。まるでハリウッドスターみたいにね。その場にいた全員が「あらまあ〜！素敵なイケメン外人(R)ねえ！」と思ったのは疑いの余地はないだろう。

ここで、僕の最終兵器「デリシャスリベンジ」について説明しよう。

僕が幼い頃、僕は農場に住んでいた。農場にはモグラも沢山いたから、僕はやつらがオレンジの香りが好きなのを知っていた。オレンジ味のガムが好きな事も。。。そう、モグラはオレンジ味のガムが好きなんだ！でも、やつらはガムを消化できないから、ガムを沢山食べるとガムがお腹にたまってそのうちに死んでしまう。

そう、「デリシャスリベンジ」は道路の穴の近くにオレンジ味のガムを置いてモグラにガムを食べさせ退治するという方法。その時、必ず手袋をしてガムを素手で触れないようにしてね。モグラは人間の匂いがするものは食べないからね。次の日、ガムが置いた場所にあるかどうかを確認します。もし、ガムが無くなっていたら新しいガムを置きます。その繰り返しをしていると、そのうちモグラは戻ってこなくなります。

家の前で道路を工事している人達の片隅で、僕はまるで狂った科学者のように高笑いをしながら、「マルカワマーブルガム」のオレンジ味を置いた。そして、僕はクリントイーストウッドのような低い声でこう言う。「最後の晩餐を楽しみなモグラ」。

道路の穴が塞がれていく。モグラは今夜、僕の最終兵器「デリシャスサプライズ」を味わう事になるだろう。

この時、僕は勝利を確信した。

「マルカワマーブルガム」オレンジ味よ！この世界にこのガムがある事を神に感謝します。このガムを僕は子どもの時からずっと好きだった。モグラを退治できるからだけじゃない。このすばらしい味と、自慢になってしまうけど僕はこのガムで風船を作れる。それだけじゃない、僕の心を落ち着けてくれる！

僕はオレンジ味よりグレープ味の方が好きだけどね。

翻訳：Ken Ihara